My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I need moral support for this bender
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
