i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
