Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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