im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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