hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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