Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
