We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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