I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
