Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
