apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
