I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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