I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
