she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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