ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
