he wants to bone in the snuggie
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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