respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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