TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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