Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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