In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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