went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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