Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
