The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
