Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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