I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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