I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
