My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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