I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
