i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
