I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
