I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
