..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
