my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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