I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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