life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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