If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
