My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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