Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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