I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
