Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
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i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
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The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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