Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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