Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
