he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
