Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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