stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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