i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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