I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
