The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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