Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
FUCK WHALES
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
