Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
