Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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