Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can you bring me the toilet please
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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