just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
