11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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