How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
