If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
