having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
