dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
